Is this real life?

 

Amanda Chan trying to get my giant balloons in my car!

 Birthday cake from the rhythm section of the orchestra

Judging by the fact that my last post was at the beginning of my final semester, and this post is coming to you all after the final semester....I guess I had a pretty busy final semester. But now that I have officially received and framed my diploma, I know this means I have to start getting my life on track. Baby steps, baby steps.

I just finished what proved the be the most gratifying experience of my life- choreographing "Gypsy" at a local high school. The kids were thoughtful, kind, hard working, and made me cry every night. As I sat in the audience taking notes and watching them turn into fine young actors, I realized something very important:

I want to do this for the rest of my life.

I want to be "Ms. Aniano". I want to turn people into actors, and see the passion in their eyes when they get up on stage. I want to change people. I want to help people. I want to have a group of students that I can call "my students". And above all, I want to watch them feel proud of themselves. This is what I must do, maybe for the rest of my life.

Of course, this would be much easier if mom would stop leaving "Backstage" notices on my bed, and nagging me to go on auditions (Must. Move. Out. Soon.). Yesterday was the biggest waste of day at this audition in New York- as I knew it would be. There are too many out-of-work actors out there. The competition is vast, and stiff. I would much rather stay home, work towards getting my teacher's certification, and not waste $20-$30 on train tickets and a day in New York. Waiting for 8 hours, singing 16 bars, and then being told "thanks for coming in" is just not my thing. And in my eyes- that's perfectly fine. At least I know what I want.

Been having some very interesting and eventful times in New York with Russ and some select Jersey Boys. Those stories are better left to a phone conversation- too much to type. But if you want some juicy stories, give me a call ;)

To do today: Gym, food shopping, bank, "Mattress" rehearsal. Fun fun.

Have a good one, and be safe

-Joan

Patterns.

Another semester at Westminster. I am literally, the last surviving senior MT major. This sad fact hit me on the first day of classes, when I continued to look around for Russ, Jenna or Liz. Of course, they weren't there. My support system, my best friends, my rocks were just gone.

This caused me to go home and break down in a fit of tears and self pity. It didn't help that I was having my energy and life sucked out of me by the same poisionous human being that screwed me over twice before. Unfortunately, we're trying this "friendship" thing, and since we both seem to need friendship, I turned to him. But it's not the same. No one can replace Russ, Jenna and Liz. No one ever will.

*new train of thought*

I am breaking this awful habit ASAP. I am so tired of the same old "I'm sorry. I screwed up" excuse that you throw at me to make me think you have changed. You know me. You know that I give second, third, fourth chances. You are using me.

"Friends" call each other back. "Friends" make an effort to hang out, or help, or lend an ear or a shoulder. "Friends" make compromises.

YOU do not do these things. You are selfish. You will not make an effort to drive to school to watch my last Orientation week Lip Sync performance. But you WILL pay for a plane ticket to go to California.

You lie. You cheat. You make up stories to get a sympathy vote. You need attention from girls, and you feel as though you have a power over them. Like no other girl out there can resist your rehearsed charm and your lack-luster sense of humor. 

I am disgusted by you, and angry at myself for thinking you had grown up. Above all, I'm tired of wasting space in this blog with stories and complaints about you.

No. You don't care about me.

How much energy does it take to pick up your phone and send a text message response to someone? Are you really that lazy?

- No. You don't care about me.

You told me "I open my phone, I see I have a text message, and then I run to rehearsal and forget about it". Oh. So am I really that forgettable?

- No. You don't care about me.

You said "You're driving me nuts. You're asking for too much. You're too dramatic." Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that asking for a reply back when I say hi to you was asking for too much. Seriously. It's 30 seconds of your busy, Cassanova, flirting with every girl you see, strutting around like you're hot shit, egotistical and douche-bag time. And if you really "liked" me, you wouldn't turn my words around and scold me. Clearly:

- You don't care about me.

I called you today because I was tired of waiting. I hit you with my "dramatics" I was tired of being ignored, and feeling blown off, and hoping and wishing that maybe THIS call would be you, or maybe THIS text message you. I'm not going to call you everyday- you're busy. But I will NOT sit around and send messages that don't get answered. I deserve more than that. Don't you think?

- No. You don't care about me.

Oh, allow me to list all the bull-shit things you said to me these past few months:

"Come with me."

- An hour before leaving for SC. Why would you ask me to go with you if you didn't care about me? Lie.

"Let's keep talking this summer and see what happens."

- Um, usually "keep talking" means that you communicate. Communicate= return calls and texts. Lie.

"I'm going to miss you immensely."

- If you missed me, you would talk to me. Lie.

"I think it's safe to say I'm falling in love with you"

- I don't even have to go into why this is a retarded thing to say, you self-serving SOB.

I'm not stupid. I can sense when things are going to shit- and every time I try to leave, you make it difficult. I would think you'd be happy that I'm walking away and doing the dirty work for you. I would think that you'd be happy that you wouldn't have to worry about calling (not that you do) or returning texts (not that you do). Learn to be honest with yourself.

A whole bunch of my friends are down there with you- and they see your behavior, and they tell me. Because THEY are the ones that care about my feelings. They don't yell at me, they don't call me names, they don't twist my words around and talk to me like I'm a child. THEY return phone calls. THEY take time to talk to me, to be there for me. That's what REAL friends do. So don't sit there and tell me that you "care about me" and that I've "become a close friend" and that you "want to maintain a friendship" when you have every intention of blowing me off and phasing me out. 

Hm. Maybe it's because you feel that our "friendship" would get in the way of you and all the single girls down in South Carolina. Silly me. It's a shitty friendship anyway- and you're a shitty friend and a selfish person.

Oh. Maybe it's because you're a typical guy.

When I meet someone who cares about me- really cares about me- it's going to be incredible. I won't have to watch what I say. I'll be able to talk, and he'll understand everything I'm not saying. He'll make me laugh, he'll treat me to things, he'll give me help even when I don't ask for it. He will WANT to make time for me- and I will gladly do the same. We'll be a team, and we'll be able to take on anything. Any argument. Any road blocks. And we'll be able to overcome anything, because we'll want each other to pull through. And that's what a relationship is about- wanting it to succeed, and wanting to make it through with your partner. It can't be one-sided. And it won't be.

This is the last time I go out of my way for a guy who won't do the same for me. When I think of all the wasted gas driving to your house and driving you all around town, I want to throw up. When I think of all the meals that I had to pay for myself, I want to cry. I think of the 4 hours I spent on a Saturday looking at grills for you, and want to kick myself.

And you won't even return a phone call. Why?

-You don't care about.

First post- take 3

I keep starting blog accounts and then forgetting about them. So, I'm trying again. Here it is.